I have an irrational fear of spiders in the Middle East

It doesn't take a single soul

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed every biscuit had the ship’s insignia embossed on it. He was impressed and called in the cook to ask him how he did this. Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven. Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic. Cook: In that case, sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

Spaghettification

Elsie was the finest cow on Farmer Moggle's huge farm (at least Farmer Moggle thought so), but she was miserable. "What's got you so glum, Elsie?" asked Farmer Moggle. "You're in the very best herd I have, my 1A Herd." "That's just it", said Elsie. "Every cow in 1A Herd thinks she's the best. No cow cares to listen to a lesser cow, so none of them pay attention to anything I say." "Well now, you could try 1B Herd. Maybe they'd be more interested in your thoughts on world affairs," suggested Farmer Moggle. So Elsie spent the next week in 1B Herd. "Better?" asked Farmer Moggle. "Well, sure, they're willing to talk geopolitics, but my poetry readings? Nada. I'm just standing in a field mooing, as far as they're concerned." So Elsie tried 1C Herd (which paid little attention to Elsie's musical abilities), then 1D Herd (which didn't care for Elsie's lectures on entomology). Week after week, Elsie methodically tried to fit in with each of Farmer Moggle's many herds, but 1P Herd, 1Y Herd, 1Z Herd, 2A Herd, 4Q Herd, they all expressed disinterest in at least one of Elsie's lectures, concerts, or discussion topics. "Well, that's the last herd I've got, and you're still not happy," said Farmer Moggle. "I guess it's back to 1A Herd with you. Sorry, Elsie." "Not 1A Herd!" cried Elsie. "Then what do you want?" queried Farmer Moggle. "I want 2B Herd!"

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car...

Quarks

Sofishticated

One took out the guards, the second grabbed the money, and the third went to get the cops.

Dad jokes don't count

homicide